Every week I just want to write about the same thing, how much I’m falling in love with the kids here, how much I love Swaziland, and how my heart has been stolen away by this grand adventure I am on. But lately I’m learning that falling in love with such a broken and hurting society hurts too. Kids in the squatter camp will fight and push to sit on my lap and get a hug. At first I wanted to tell them to chill out but then I started to learn their stories. One is sexually abused, the next’s mother abandoned her, the next child’s father died a week ago, and the stories go on. I love these kids. They have been through so much yet their eyes still shine with the resilient hope that flows from their smiles and laughs.
One precious girl’s name is Ayanda, same as my SiSwati name. She is so cute. I had out a first aid kit one day and she showed me sores on her legs. I washed her off and put Neosporin and band-aids on them. I asked some missionaries about them later and they told me she has AIDS. I was shocked that this joyous 7 year old could have AIDS. It broke my heart. I just couldn’t process that she had a death sentence on that she was probably born with.
I went running later that night, my favorite way to work out aggression and wrestle through things with God. I kept asking him, “Why does this little girl going to die? Why can I see so much of your beauty here and yet it is dying? I just don’t understand! Why does life have to hurt so badly?”
God simply showed me, “Because of sin. It wasn’t the way I created it. Sin is why the world hurts so much.”
I yelled back, “Then what can I do? How can I help these kids?”
“The answer is not holding together the broken pieces by still sinful hands. The answer to the problem is going back to the root. Sin is a shift of worship from God to you. Fall facedown and worship me.”
I wanted to do that, but I was still unwilling. I admitted to God my fear, “But God, if I am bowed down before you, I cannot hold these children. I can’t do both.”
That’s when God truly made his point. “Of course you can’t. These kids cannot be your greatest priority. Their hurts cannot be your greatest sorrows. Sin and the fact Christ died on the cross should be. And their smiles should not be your greatest joy. The glory of the one true God should be.”
I had to repent that my focus had changed and then simply worship my God. He is so good to me. After all, I am like little Ayanda. I too have a deadly disease – mine is sin. Yet God loves me because that is his character. All I can do is fall facedown and worship with the childlike faith that trusts that he’s got the whole world in his hands.
Michelle, it’s so good to hear an update from you. Your post today brought tears to my eyes. May God continue to bless you and the children there.
Much love to you.
Thank you for such a wonderful blog. For sharing what is really going on in your heart with us. Sometimes we just all feel so helpless but with God anything is possible.
Your blog really touched me today. Even though helping people should be important in our lives, worshiping God should still be our main priority.
Dear Lil Bit,
My eyes cried in response to your message, and my heart continues to cry in response to the root issue. An attitude of worship is what He desires most from us, amazing that that is the single most important way to make God smile!!
You are prayed over daily, our love and support are with you, you have our abundant, overflowing love, and thanks for reminding us of what is TRULY MOST IMPORTANT!! Worship our awesome creator! LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!
Hugs, love, and prayers, Jeanne & Tyler xoxo
Michelle,
Ever since my church started supporting some African refugees here in Chattanooga, I’ve wanted to go on a mission trip to Africa. Your blog (especially the most recent) has showed me what it’s really like on the mission field and prepared me for when I do get a chance to go!
Thanks!
thanks for caring. I spoke to the students of Columbia Int’l U. today about Swaziland and the importance of doing what you’re doing – touching and hugging them and telling their stories.
BTW – you’ve got a career as a story teller, wherever that might be.
What a touching story and amazing revelation from the Lord. These are the lessons and moments we never forget. Thanks for sharing and I pray God’s strength and peace to you as you minister in Swazi.
Michelle,
I can see God is working in your heart vividly! He is also molding you into an incredible writer:) All I can say is “Go, GOD!!!” for what He is teaching you. You have challenged me tonight. Keep trusting and fall prostrate before Him!
Love from Chattanooga,
Amy
Hey Michelle,
I’m from CCS and was there when you came to speak in chapel. Thank you so much for your blog! It really helps to read about things that you and your friends are going through as missionaries because I’ve always been interested in going on a missions trip. Thanks again!
wow! God is so good! im so excited that he is molding your heart in this way. i love you!
hey michelle, i love your blog and posting fun comments about the section i read. we are in God’s hands and he molds us into a pot the way he wants us to be like.
love, Katheryn